It crushes down
A dark, deep, menacing force.
My tears stream silent
With silent gasps of breath the only breeze
Trying to hold in the hurt
Sound is a betrayal of emotion I cannot bear
This pain is secret
Held in the pit of my stomach
Tearing through my vision
Screaming through my mind in unspoken anguish.
No words can contain this sorrow.
I lie there as pools bubble up, stinging my eyes.
But they sting less than my heart.
Salt tinged lips
I bear the pain in silence.
I cannot share this pain
The shame is too much to bear
My self-judgement rains down
And projects itself as the judgement of others.
Besides, that would be admitting weakness
Or so I tell myself.
I want to be strong.
I will be strong.
I don’t want my burden to be a burden to others.
So I hold it in.
Yet the beast claws and tears at my heart
Reminding me that it is ever-present
Though sometimes dormant.
Waiting for the right opportunity to claw its way to the surface
And leave me breathless and broken.
Plotting ways to turn my own conscious in on itself
So it doesn’t have to do the dirty work.
Sometimes after it slinks away
I think that it has gone forever.
I tell myself,
“How silly you were to think that it controlled you.
How could you let it do that?
See, life’s not so bad!
You’re happy now.
You were just tricking yourself before.
The pain was all in your head.”
But it turns out those words are just it speaking
Using my voice in its mockery.
A double-edged sword.
A hidden blow.
It was lying.
Lying by the deepest, darkest pools of my subconscious
The places I don’t like to go because it’s cold and eerie.
Lurking in the shadows of my darkest nights.
Lying about the fact that it was gone
That sunnier days had sent it scurrying
Off to some crack in the earth.
It never left.
It tricked me.
Because it comes back later.
Long after I think it has vanished
After I begin to imagine that maybe it was never there at all.
After my fear has turned to relief
And I think, “Now I’ll live life again!”
It comes back.
So I must battle this creature
This unseen monster which haunts the hallows of my heart.
Because this battle for my heart
Is not between the dragon and a prince—
Like a fairy tale told to children—
But the dragon and myself.
I will fight for my own heart.